my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
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My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
did it work
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.