I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
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My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)