a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
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50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that