50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
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“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I triple waxed for this?
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
When a shoelace touches your ankle
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.