2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
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“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Same pineapple, same
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.