Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
You Might Also Like
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer