That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
You Might Also Like
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.