We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
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click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.