Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
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Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident