“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
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Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.