Pizza is an emotion right?
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Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.