If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
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A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.