*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
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Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
sleeping beauty