When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
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him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter