Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
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the only organized thing in my life is crime
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.