Celery is depressing green water wafers.
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Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
My dad teaching me to drive
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.