Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
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Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Sponch
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting