A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
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Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
me, too, girl. me, too.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.