Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
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There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
This was my dad’s browser history.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.