[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
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[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
finally
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place