My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
You Might Also Like
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
*aggressively waits in line*
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.