I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

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by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die


That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.


If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.


No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.


For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.


Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?


Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.


“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied


Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues