I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
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I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.