@Skullcat

I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

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@MattBellassai

by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die

@NYC_Blonde

That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.

@Tbone7219

If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.

@tassletie

No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.

@crunchenhanced

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

@lmegordon

Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?

@jordan_stratton

Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.

@iscoff

“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied

@TheFakeCNN

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues