I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
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Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
I’m not wrong
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
I’m calling the cops.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating