doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
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5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
oh you wanna fight?!
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.