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Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
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Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
This could be us… but you playing
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
The pen is writier than the sword.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.