Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
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Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
The funk soul brother
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.