The funk soul brother
You Might Also Like
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.