I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
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Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Important reminders
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
my name if I was in the mob
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”