Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
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Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?