Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
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I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.