Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
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You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
why I oughta
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
The legends speak of a third Duran…
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah