Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
You Might Also Like
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.