My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
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Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
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We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
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Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.