[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
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If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.