Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
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Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Woke up against my better judgement again
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.