Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
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Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
New menu item
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.