I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
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Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you