Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
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When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.