It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
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Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.