[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
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I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*