People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
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Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I鈥檓 sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don鈥檛 fully wake up?
That鈥檚 the whole month of January for me
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Favourite diary entry ever
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 馃ぃ馃ぃ
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don鈥檛 know. (Covers dog鈥檚 ears) She鈥檚 adopted.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
6 yo student: It鈥檚 hot. Why didn鈥檛 you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can鈥檛 wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you鈥檇 show all your mosquito bites?
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I鈥檒l have more bread with my bread, please.