If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
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I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich