Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
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‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.