Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
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My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe