I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
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Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
I’m literally crying
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
I’m sorry…what?
iPhone X
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.