Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
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wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…