Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
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Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.