When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
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DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.