Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
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Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned