Happy Halloween 🎃
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When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color